Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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