Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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