Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
