i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
