and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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