i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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