can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
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Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
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That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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