Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
