Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
