dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Redeem this text for a blowjob
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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