two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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