I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
being pregnant is like rehab
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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