The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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