I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
