Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
