i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
