he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
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Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
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The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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