so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
