Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
