i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
