Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
