I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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