Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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