He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
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Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
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Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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