atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
