I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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