found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My liver just had a heart attack.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
