Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
