just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
