Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
