Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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