I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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