nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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