oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
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She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
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That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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