wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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