don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
