I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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