Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
