I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
