saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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