today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
