Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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