I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
