Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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