Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
