My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
