Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
