You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
