why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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