apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
