Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
