I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
