im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
