The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I supernannyed him into submission
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
