I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
