Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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