he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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