Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
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They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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